We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
