I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
