Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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