My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
