I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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