turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
