I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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