I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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