Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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