There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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