How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
