I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
