Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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