Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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