Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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