she kept yelling 'call me bella'
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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