Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
