Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
