You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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