i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
