Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
