I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
