She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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