I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The Olympian is in my bed
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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