My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
