Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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