I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
