did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
