I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
