Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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