I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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