I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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