I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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