from now on my penis is your penis
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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