Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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