his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
