Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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