I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize