I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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