dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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