two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
