I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
