Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
