i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
