Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
