cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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