After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
