My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
