I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
