Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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