It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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