i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
