Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want her autograph on my taint
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
