I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize