so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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