Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
