i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
